just stay silent when it comes to parents

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

Assalamualaikum and hello everyone. It's been a while I didn't update my blog. Couldn't find a good topic and the right time to update. Thankfully, I've just finished my studies in UiTM Dengkil. Fuuuh... Alhamdulillah. Before I start, I want to thank each and every one of you, who kindly read and comment on my blog. I was so touched by all the comments from my previous entry. I almost cried. Especially those who shared their own experience. MashaAllah. May Allah always help us to be better Muslims. Allahumma Amin 😌

Today, I would like to share an experience of mine. Hoping that it could be a lesson for us. It is related to parents. The ones who have been with us the most throughout our lives. 

"And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word." (17:23) - Sahih International

"Dan Tuhanmu telah perintahkan, supaya engkau tidak menyembah melainkan kepadaNya semata-mata, dan hendaklah engkau berbuat baik kepada ibu bapa. Jika salah seorang dari keduanya, atau kedua-duanya sekali, sampai kepada umur tua dalam jagaan dan peliharaanmu, maka janganlah engkau berkata kepada mereka (sebarang perkataan kasar) sekalipun perkataan "Ha", dan janganlah engkau menengking menyergah mereka, tetapi katakanlah kepada mereka perkataan yang mulia (yang bersopan santun). " (17:23) - Malay

Based on the verse, Allah has decreed us to worship the one and only God, Him. Right after it, is kindness towards our parents. In fact, Allah's blessings depends on the parents' blessings. We all know this. I don't have to explain more. Sadly, minor of us practice it. ((including me)) May Allah forgive us.

Therefore, I would like to tell you about my own experience. (Disclaimer: This is all my opinion). So, I followed Fynn Jamal on Instagram. She always creates #AskQuestion on her gram's story. I realized that every time there were questions related to parents, she answered "Takpe. Diam je. Mak ayah itu". At first, I didn't understand. Why should we just shut our mouth and just accept whatever it is? Kena maki ke, kena ejek hodoh ke, kena hina ke, DIAM JE. That doesn't make sense to me.

(Another disclaimer: 'DIAM JE'. It can be applied as long as the parents didn't demand us to do the forbidden actions in Islam. Eg: Your parents urge you to be a prostitute. Then, in that case, you should not stay silent.)

Until one day, 'it' taught me tremendously and I found the reason why. One night, I had an argument with my dad. I just wanted to defend the truth. But, I got to carried away with my feelings, especially I was on my period at the moment. Unstable emotion 😑 My dad was shocked and hurt by my words and replied, "Abah tak pernah ajar anak abah melawan,". I could clearly see his disappointed face at that moment. Eventually, I just went into my room because I thought it would be better, as I wouldn't argue with him anymore.

But, I was wrong. I should apologize to him right away. Astaghfirullah May Allah forgive me. The next day, my sister asked me, "Dah minta maaf kat abah ke belum?" I replied with a 'no' *ego intensifies*. She said, "Eh, abah nangis semalam. Pergilah minta maaf". That moment, I was contemplating on what I had done. My dad has never cried because of disappointment from his children. But, I made him cry that night. Allahu... 😭 I apologized to him right away. Well, my first attempt failed. He was still upset. I tried again (with more sincere effort), and alhamdulillah, it went well.


Reflection :

Stay silent when it comes to parents. Especially when they are mad. I do understand, children nowadays have become more open-minded and more confident in voicing our opinions. However, we tend to correct wrongs more rather than thinking about people's feelings, worse, the words hurt our parents. Allahu Akbar.

Back to my point, why should we stay silent when it comes to our parents? One, parents get sensitive easily. As a matter of fact, people get more emotionally sensitive as they get older. Yes, we have good intention to correct the wrong, but making them sorrowful is the last thing we want to do. Two, since they are more emotionally sensitive, they get hurt easily by words. From my experience, I wanted to defend the truth but the method I used was not right. As said, the tongue is sharper and mightier than a sword. I thought I didn't hurt him because my voice was in a low tone yet quite defensive. But when I asked my sister, she said I was somewhat rude to my father.

'Aku cakap elok-elok dan nak betulkan apa yang salah saja'.

Nonetheless, we may have good intention, but if the methods used to achieve them are unacceptable, it wouldn't help much. In fact, it might be worse. Three, our intention to prove them wrong is not worth it. I repeat, NOT WORTH IT AT ALL. Why should we risk the relationship and blessings of our parents just to prove them wrong, especially over a very small matter? Bak kata pepatah, terlajak perahu boleh dikayuh, terlajak kata buruk padahnya. The fact that we can't undo what we said is terrifying. Once we hurt our parents, it remains as a scar even though they have forgiven us. Remember, Allah's redha depends on the parents' redha. Embrace parents' redha to achieve His'.

'But, what about if our parents violate Allah's decree? Should we just stay silent too?'

Well, for this situation, it depends. For instance, if your parents stated it is useless to follow Allah's rules bla bla bla, just stay silent. You know it is wrong, they don't. You're well-educated, they're not. The last thing that we can do is pray that one day, Allah will give them hidayah. After all, "Indeed, [O Muhammad], you do not guide whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided." (28:56)

HOWEVER, there are some situations where you shouldn't stay silent. As I said in the beginning, staying silent can be applied as long as the parents didn't demand us to do the forbidden actions in Islam. Eg: Your parents urge you to be a prostitute. Then, in that case, you should not stay silent. Reject it. Another example, if your parent tried to rape you or do human trafficking, then you should do a report, not staying in the corner. Well, there are many other situations out there. I hope you get my point.

'Isn't it better to correct their wrongdoings? Even Prophet Ibrahim AS da'wah to his father'

Certainly. However, how did he do it? Let's take a look at this verse. "O my father, indeed there has come to me of knowledge that which has not come to you, so follow me; I will guide you to an even path." (19:43) Prophet Ibrahim AS addresses his father with "O my father", it shows obedience, love, and humility. He adopted this mode intentionally so that his words might touch a sympathetic chord, and thus open the way to his father’s heart. When a son addresses his father in this manner, how angry the father may be, his heart melts and he is inclined to hear what the son has to say.

But, are we sure enough that we can deliver the words as soft and eloquent as the Prophet Ibrahim AS? Well, if you can, then go ahead. It might be helpful. But for me, I can't. I know my words will hurt my parents right away. So I take the safe path by staying silent.

To conclude, as I said, this is all my opinion. You may have a different opinion. I'm not saying staying silent can be applied to everything nor everyone. We all have our own strength and weakness. If you think you can arrange your words beautifully and want your parents to be better, then go ahead. If you think you are not strong enough and think it is too risky, then stay silent. Whatever it is, my major point is to take care of our parents' feelings no matter what. They might be wrong sometimes. Nevertheless, they are still our parents. Always always always be nice to them. With that, may we become a better child to them and may Allah grant them the highest level of Jannah. Amin.

Love,

Insyirah